narcolepsy

writing of clarity, ashamed to think there is any such thing. time passes and forgets itself blatantly. this isn't what had been in my mind.

therein you begin, again to begin. to feel. what is a thing called feeling? in a time of capitalism, we hide it in our dark closets and make mention or expel harsh words on small children that have no defense.

we are defenseless in our lack of feeling. in a house we did not build, nor do we own. there, demolished by the kitchen sink, a rotting corpse.

the one of my body. dank. decay. miserable.

and then, we make art. we expand to create. we are exhausted. and yet, there in the glimmer of a late night or dusted corner, open fields of change, news of you. how disconnected we have become.

my heart lingers in this life. which is mine. but in which i am not living. outskirts and street camps, there is a quiet lull deep within cajoled by broken harmonies and fresh snow. loblolly pines. people who have exploded out into the universe. they have defined their creation. do they understand how brilliant they are?

of all that one can learn, there is so much. so much that it exhausts me and i should want to die.

but i have known exhaustion in ways unmanageable. i have hidden in fear because i could not complete or continue. barely having the frame of mind in which to begin.

and now, it is coming all so clearly, the dream like state.

no longer a critic...i am my own creator...and despite my medicated fancy, fallacy, will be, finally, absolutely ready to dedicate myself to the
WORK
I choose to do or am chosen to do.


sad but grateful,

katelyn

late nights are good for the soul.(sole).

phew

Thank god that's all over. Who knew emotions could be so volatile on the 31st floor. After two days with many hours in my room, on the streets that I know, where people grit and grime and sell it on the corner, I feel (as Josie would say) loads better about my existence.

Sometimes, is it possible, that all our angst and emotional turmoil is due to our altitude? ---amongst other things---



i think ants are living in my computer.
i wish communicating with those you care about was easier.
i wish the people you care about the most were not the ones you hurt so much.
i wish those people weren't the ones to hurt you so much.
it's all so messy...


but then i bought these shoes...

http://www.zappos.com/multiview/7824690/718






I'd tell you more, but I can't...

just know that how you feel is really important, and
HOW you communicate how you feel is really important, and
mostly that you DO communicate how you feel
the people who care about you, will listen.



on a less intense note:::


actually, nevermind.

intensity is a part of life, and when you dig deep enough into the intensity, you find yourself on the other side of things---a pervading sense of calm.



still in the junkyard,
K

was that a cathartic vacation?

or am i dreaming?

i think some of the most beautiful things happened this week.

soon, sadness.


is it possible to need a vacation from a vacation?



how do I turn this all into forward motion?



what is the most detailed oriented hobby?



I did not know orchids could grow this high in altitude.




why, might I ask, do true feelings begin at the end?




like the real camino beginning at the end of the trail.


oh, walking in Spain sounds so so so so so good right now.



until then, from the 31st floor,


K