In the morning, I awoke to sawdust and sea breezes. I was building a boat by the calm waters. The sun was shining. I was looking at the tool in my hand. My fingers were laced, gentle, around it, well manicured but weathered, seeking only the finest of the physical pleasures. I was not happy, rather contented in how I had come to this place. I was no longer a slave to the future, nor harbored in the shelter of past. I felt no longer a sense of loss, I was empty and I was full.


let's look at this year in time::::looking::::looking:::::looking:::::::

confused.
loss.
sublimation.
defenses.
adagios.
calm into the ground.
deep breath.
extend.
loss.
confused.
pain.
defenses.
breaking.
softening.
wondering.
puzzled.
frustration.
deep breath.
words.
loss.
deep breath.
words.
loss.
deep breath.
anger.
paint.
paint.
paint.
fresh, winter air.
sublimation.
adagios.
extension.
attempted release.




i woke up this morning to this song on the radio:::

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lLJf9qJHR3E



I cannot help but wonder what happened with this year. I have never felt so alive and I have never felt so much pain. I have never witnessed so much blatant fear within myself. I have never been so brave. I have never allowed myself to feel this much. I have never allowed myself to get so close to two people and have them both...go.

I wonder if it is something I should write about, as it is so real to me. It clenches my very heart and rips it down into my stomach. I am weakened, I am not a person, I am an amoeba that is feeling with strange tentacles out into the universe.

I twinge between right and wrong. Things happened. I started to care for other persons outside myself. Is this maturation? I don't know when to forgive and when to forget, when to cling and when to let go. It is all such a mess. I want to do what is "best", but "best" seems to have so many psychological attachments to it, strings, etc. Sitting here, with the newest year steadily approaching, I know nothing of what I thought I knew this time last year.

All I know is that my heart beats deeper, fuller, rounder, and that maybe with time, I will come to some sort of balance, some understanding, of the physics of relation to the other. My current trend is pushing, deeper, digging farther, only to enable honest release and further extension. I notice a difference---
one break had healing qualities
one break had destructive qualities

and it is in the forces of conversation and communication that collide that leaves one freedom and fullness from the break.

otherwise, the walls, the icy conundrum of dispersed feelings becomes cause for confusion and feelings of inexplicable loss.

It's like, when a loved one passes and you have time to say goodbye, there is a sense of healing involved. A death unwarned, is a thorn in every part of the body, a heaving of sorrow on a spring bed in Vermont, a silent October night in an apartment.

A non communicative break of connection, relation, and feeling is just another death, a thorn in every part of the body, a heaving of sorrow on a June linen.




towards an honest and witty, heartfelt and rational:




(((((two thousand and eleven.)))))





K