circles, lines, and decaying closets.

you know, i think so often it happens that we are going about in circles and circles and circles until one day we stop:::::: and then begin to go in a straight line.



the whole time thinking, whilst in these circles that we have begun or started or commenced with what we had intended.



realizing, our illusion, once a grand muse, is now a dying piece of sound and we stand, stripped, hopeless, lacking---silent.



Then, taking a step, or making a sound with our voice, that may very well be the first real one.






Something else happened too::: the other day I awoke to look in my closet and drawers and find my clothes no longer a reflection of myself. I told V about it and she agreed saying "this happens to me a lot". It came out of nowhere.



So we are going and going and going and stopping slightly to realize how much we have changed, what is different, our hair is longer and needs trimmed. We let things become us, jobs, ideas, clothes, rooms, books----



if we are not moving, buying, ridding of, we will wake someday living someone's life---




and it won't be ours.



What we really want or how we really feel, no matter how we push it away, will find us again and again and again.













i'm reading lots of books. i want to tell you about them. in French.

you know something,

its nice to have friends.

and people who ask "how does it feel to be back in the land of the living?".

and, and, Chinatown.

and little girls who explain to you the importance of tree leaves.

4 am IV drip

I recently had a delectable experience at the Emergency Room.

I arrived and gave them my name. They took my pulse and pressure and what have you to make sure I was not dying that very moment.

I wasn't.

They took a urine sample. They took some information of the personal variety.

After sitting in the waiting room for six hours, I was brought back to lie on a hospital bed in the middle of a hallway. The nurse brought me a heated blanket. She says "I brought you back here to rest". I thought "yes, she has seen me crying because I was in pain, otherwise, I'd still be out in the waiting room". It pays to express what you are really feeling.

I was awoken at 3 am to another nurse asking me ridiculous questions and telling me I have a severe kidney infection. I believe she put it a "pretty advanced kidney infection". She brought the doctor over and he poked and prodded and said "let's get you a cat scan, I'm afraid you have kidney stones".

So it was some medicine then, after which, I was wheeled down naked corridors at 4 am, barely lucid, soft hospital winds whisking through my unkempt blonde hairs. The tiles were shiny that's what I remember. Time for my cat scan.

The catscan lady was talking on her cell phone while she strapped me in which concerned me for two reasons. 1) Does this not interfere with this thing we call a cat scan? 2) Which one of your friends is up at 4 am to discuss seemingly pointless matters?

They photographed my insides and then returned me to have some blood drawn and an IV put in. I slept and was awoken again in the morning to a strange bustle I had yet to experience in the rear end of the hospital quarters. I was free to go, I didn't have stones, but I needed to pick up those antibiotics promptly.

I'm still in bed. Mostly, I've been here the past few days. I'm hoping to atleast step outside tomorrow.

wish me luck.

caio
K

catching up with oneself

I've been thinking about what it would feel like to go fishing. The art of catching a fish is similar to the art of catching up with oneself---that is, just sitting by the water and, well, waiting.

I don't like posting when the seasonal shift seems off kilter. For instance, today, it is November and I am sweating in the sunshine. It's too much for me. My thoughts are always clearer, my writing more direct, in general, more aware when it is cold. It is when I come alive, when my body feels at rest.

I'm trying to recall how it felt writing in this blog back in June/July. I think something happened this summer that was really good. I can't quite put my finger on it.

I think I should go to New York City soon. It's been too long. But I want it to be cold and brutal. I want to shiver when I walk through Central Park. I've been there when it is warm before, but it didn't touch me as much as the winter visits. I often forget that I lived in Manhattan and worked in a factory for a month proceeding Christmas in 2008. Down the street was Alvin Ailey studios where I took class from a woman named Kat Wildish. I wondered around the streets of Manhattan, into shops, around the park, reading at the bookstore. I was aimless but employed. Dancing.

I often am feeling that what is best for us, we already know and have known. However, we often do not act on this intuition right away. This intuition seems to offer itself to us in dynamic moments that we don't recognize. One has to be in a certain mental place in order to recognize it. I think this intuition is there with us more often than not, however, we avoid it. We make other decisions for ourselves and yes, we do learn, but we often learn in a direction that well, brings us back to square one. It's hard to recognize these moments if we are not living well with ourselves. What is best for ourselves is overshadowed by obligation, by familiarity, by lack of vision. Often, in myself, I will try something that this intuition tells me to try, and I'm afraid or, well, I am not quite ready. For instance, New York was great for a month, but I would have been swallowed whole had I stayed:: I did not understand what it means to have a relationship with a place and while I could have learned in New York, it wouldn't have been the same. Philadelphia has taught me a lot---that I think I am a New Yorker. I need it's extreme environment to feel present and at home.

It's a process though. I've had to go on some circuitous routes to get back to the beginning and realize that where I started is where I ended up, to, well, start again. And that's my relationship with this city. I've left and returned so many times because I something inside of me was certain that there was something I could learn from this city in order to live my life well. And my god, was I correct for once!

It exposes itself in other things too. People.

There's reason behind every feeling. Through them we experience the world, through our body. Sometimes, we have to just sit with them and wait. When we are confronted with decisions pertinent, we will be calm enough to make one and run with it.

that's all.

really.